• Nurse Jesse

Fear of the Earth


[Photo: Dark Waters. March on Washington Island, Wisconsin]


It’s been over a week since my first published article for Reviews and Trends and I want to thank everyone who reached out to me with encouragement. The experience of sharing the innermost parts of my soul was surreal, as only a few people knew the extent of the suffering I experienced. Yet, as the responses came in through social media and email, I knew that somehow I had done the right thing. I say that because people said, “I’ve been there.” Or, “I am there” and it felt like somehow there was a deeper purpose unfolding through pain. Many people thanked me for my honesty. Maybe honesty is what we crave (even if it's ugly)?


I have been thinking about how I will share my experiences and writing with you all. Instead of over thinking (which I feel I excel at) I am going to feel my way into this with you, taking a wild and perhaps even gnarly journey together. It may not make sense and as I said last article, it doesn't need to.

Have you heard of the Enneagram? It’s a personality test that actually allows you to peer into the deeper parts of yourself in powerful ways, both positive and negative. I am an Enneagram Four. I recommend taking it the test. And while I was listening to Annie F Down's Enneagram Summer podcast, I also learned that Fours are able to put words to human suffering or make sense of the pain that at some point, we all will endure. Our job as Fours is to transform our own experiences into something meaningful and valuable for not only ourselves, but also for mankind. For so long, I lamented my emotional nature and viewed it as a weakness. I can sense feelings (unspoken) and even feel situations (tension, vibes etc). I often wished I could be more level-headed or even keeled. Why couldn’t I be “stronger?” I felt responsible for fixing people, the situation and even myself. But, maybe, just maybe, I was created this way for a reason and I am here for such a time as this?

You don’t need to be an Empath (feeler) or an Enneagram 4 to feel the fear that permeates our world since March (for me) and for some it began as early as January. This prose is part of a series of writings that I named “Covid Killed Me.” I don’t mean disrespect for those whose lives were cut short by the virus. But, I nearly lost my life, and parts of me did die during those dark days. Experts say that if you are feeling anxious, putting pen to paper is one way you allow the thoughts out of your head, gain clarity…and are able to let it go.

Fear of the Earth

March 2020

I can feel the fear

It beats so strong

In the veins of the earth

It pulsates in my head

Unbearable

The pain

Anger and defiance rage in my soul

As freedom slips away

Death it seems

Has come to call

It is the “feelers” who suffer most

The bearers of this load

Crumbling beneath the pressure

Kicking, screaming

We, the ones to have dared to dream

Holding on with white knuckles to a world

Maybe only we have seen

The beauty, magic and peace

Full of health and wonder

That does not cease

What’s next for this hopeless world?

Breath comes slow now to those who “feel”

Shallow is the well

Sleep calls us home

Us, the “soft” ones

The poets and healers

The ones without hearts of stone

Crushing and crushed

Washed out to sea

I guess that’s all we can do

Just float along

And let what will be…

Be

May we all have the courage to simply acknowledge our fear and let what will be...be.


* A special warm hug to all my "feeler" friends out there. You know who you are.

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Email: Nursejessellc@gmail.com



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